Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Older I Get....

Do you ever look around and get surprised at where you are? Not in a how-did-i-get-here kind of way...... I guess I find it amazing and a little scary that so many choices we make when we are young and naive determine where we will be when we are older and.... less-naive. Take, for instance, marriage. In the south we get married very young--average age is probably 22-24. Think about that. Think about where you were at 22. Would you feel comfortable letting a 22 year old organize your stock portfolio, hell, would you let them organize your sock drawer? Nothing wrong with being 22- I was AWESOME at 22. But I didn't know then what I know now.... is that a good thing when making big life choices? maybe.

Two ideas are coming into sharp focus:
1. I am thankful for that still soft voice that pulls me in the right direction when I dont' have the ability/knowledge to make the correct decision
2. My parents have remarkable restraint.

I talked about part one of my discovery a few blog postings ago..... part 2, well, this one is fresh and new! Lemme 'splain: The older I get the more I am thankful for my husband- that I found him in spite of all the terrible decisions I was making at that age. But more amazing still is how my mama sat by so quietly and let ME decide who I was going to marry!?! I think I've already hinted at the fact that I WAS NOT USING THE MAJORITY OF MY BRAIN from ages 19-23. And yet mama trusted in God and the girl she knew I would become and let me make my most important decision to date. How do parents do that? How do you let go of your babies?

And speaking of babies... heres another decision I see people making everyday. A few years ago I was READY to have a baby. Ready to make a person. Ready to bring another human into this world, this big, beautiful, slightly scary at times, downright confusing at times, even dangerous in certain situations....... OMG what am i thinking? See what happens? The older I get the less I think I am ready to have a baby. Its so much responsibility! What if I'm a bad mother? What if my baby hates me? What if I can't protect them? What if I try too hard to protect them and they end up rebelling and hurting themselves anyway? And where were these fears 5 years ago? Why didn't I go ahead and have the babies when I was younger and braver?

Thats the kind of mama i'm gonna be one day.... a worrying chicken egg mama.

(pause for some work-type-behavior so as not to be fired for blogging)

Now that I've had a moment to calm down. Being alive is a gift- I've said it before and I'll say it again. Think about first love. Think about the moment you lay eyes on your new baby. Think about sunrises, the beach, dancing, sisters, chocolate cake, singing, beer, holding hands, laughing so hard you wet your pants....... I have an uncle who is dying of cancer right now, and if you asked him if he regrets being given the gift of life simply because its not ending so great, he would look you in the eye and say " Hell-to-tha-NO!" We have to be so brave. We have to learn to trust in ourselves and especially in others. We need faith. We need love. We could all benefit from nice abs but thats a little further down the list of essentials..... I guess what I'm saying is: As I get older, life gets harder, but it also gets more fabulous.

images brought to you by ms. Natalie Dee

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